When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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Me trying to “trust the process”
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.