I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
classic mixup
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Dear Lord..
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.