I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
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I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!