okay run it by me one more time
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Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Breaking news:
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.