My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
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The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
any last words?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.