The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”