Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
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her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.