Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
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I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.