I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
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“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
12653.