Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
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A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
hi why am I like this
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*