REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
me doing my best
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”