Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?