[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
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Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
This story is comedy gold 😂
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.