I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
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If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
okay run it by me one more time
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.