There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.