Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
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God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.