Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
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Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
X-tra spooky blend
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.