Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
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[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
fourth time’s the charm
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I’m having an out of money experience.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.