age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”