I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
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Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”