I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
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I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are