Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Intelligence is the new cleavage
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The news
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.