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If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
cats when you pet them too long:
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.