If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
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Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.