You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
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A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.