How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
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In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
jesus, what did this guy do