I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.