Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
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I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.