Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
You Might Also Like
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.