which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Doug is just Canadian for dog
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.