When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
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Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.