*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Go girl power!
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun