I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
You Might Also Like
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.