me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
You Might Also Like
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.