Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!