LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
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Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Danger is very dangerous
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me