[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
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“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..