[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
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Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
the Monday after daylight savings
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.