the #horror is real!
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it