[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
drew a comic about my origin story
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.