JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
You Might Also Like
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
honestly, i need both:
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.