When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Mummies are just super modest zombies
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.