moms in horror movies
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Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
scares
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive