I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
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[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.