asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
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Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
When news reporters do sports stories
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?