Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.