So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
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[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth