*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
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Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Home #decor warning.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.