I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
You Might Also Like
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH