People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.